Daamn seriously.... In English and Swedish

 

I could go on and on, living my life in a rush. It is very easy to live, when you don't way as much.

However the truth and a realization there of,  will hit you. I feel awful about my man having to die. It is not easy to just forgett him.

I just slept for an hour, after crying a whole lot. The tears I have been painting, do not compare. My tears went down to my mouth. Daaaamn it. 

I believe it is because I am forced to eat medicin, thet, fuck with my emotions. Because yesterday I drank some and aclohol during the day. I know you are not supposed to drink, when you're eating medicin, but I feel awful about the fact that I did not let my Man, in on the wednesday evening. I am no longer sure about which day it was but I remember me going to a bar instead, because I felt away, like they say in Jamaica.

 There I wrote a text, explaining just how bad he had been treatening me and how I felt about it. The day after that we had no contact, but I have been told by the person he bought drugs from that he did buy both Metadon, Xanor and Lyrica. That was on the friday, and on the saturday morning I started to text him, assuming he was still alive and said that I wanted to link up. I didn't get no respons, so I ate breakfast and continued to text him. 

Then a private number called me, so I assumed that he was in the lock up for something, like he was at times. I didn't want to answer a private number, because I want to see who is calling, but I felt in my heart that it was important. So I answered. And it was a woman talking. She said hey it's the police. Ravi is dead could you come and pick up his cats. I said of course and jumped in the shower, because I didn't understand anything.

That man, Ravi has taken overdoses so many times, but I have always been there bringing him back to life. About seven times. So, I never thaught that he was actually going to die, before me. He has been dead/sleeping for three days and then coming back to life, before he met me.

When I met him a girl he was beginning to meet, died in his bed. two months prior to our meeting.

Fuck man. I really wanted to  help him, because the hospital gave him waaaay to much medicin, so he couldn't help himself. He was my soulmate and I loved everything about him. He was the best cheff ever, because he had been a vegetarian for all of his life. He was such a beauty and it hurts me that I forgot beautiful pictures of him, in his brothers car, when he drove me home after the funeral dinner. I was all he had, the only one there for him all the time.

He was like my baby, I helped him with alot of things every day. So I feel really bad about me living in a psycosis, during last autumn. That was after the hospitalization, when they forced fed me alot of drugs, last summer. I was NOT mentally ill before I came to the hospital. I was living my life, arranging my life, how I wanted it.  Still nobody wants me to feel good!

But you see when I am faced in a horrible situation, which it is to be locked inside a hospital. I started to make up stories in my mind to help me cope. So when I came out of there I wanted to believe that Ravi was God, because he was the only person treating me great, in this life. and I started to believe that every beautiful man I met was sent to me by God. And I was really furiouse about the state taking Ravis cat and wanting me to pay 14 000 krowns for it. So I stopped opening the letters I got, so every bill I had went to another company that added more fines etc.

Then Ravi died the 17 of october. My everything, went away. He was the only person in this world that understood me, he was the only person I really talked to. I put him above all, including "my daughter".

After his death I really didn't care if I lived or died. I was lying crying and couldn't even go up from my bed and I refused to leave my apartment.

Then this spring came, in March me myself went to the hopital and asked them to give me anything, to make me be able to cope with living. I forced myself to walk outside for at leased ten minutes every day. So gradually I became better. Then this june I started to go outside, recording myself and loving my life again. I was very happy to be able to live freely. You could watch all the videos on my youtube chanell if you want to.

Jag gjorde verkligen inget fel och jag var inte sjuk på något sätt. Jag rökte inte ens cigaretter! Eller drack alkohol. Men bara för att jag började öppna upp mig själv och må bra igen, utan någon annans hjälp. Ringer min "mamma" och styvpappa polisen och får mig inlåst på psyket hela sommaren! Vad fan är det för fel på er?

 Tydligen är det olagligt att heta Ella mi Name och Eleonor! Bara för att jag kommer från mammas tidigare förhållande. Har jag tvingas växa upp i en familj där jag alltid setts som problem-barnet. 

Jag försökte begå självmord flera gånger när jag växte upp med dom och då gjorde de inget, förutom att misshandla mig både fysiskt och psykiskt. 

Men nu när jag levt med olika män själv och mår hur bra som helst, tack vare Guds "intervention",  Då ska de lägga sig i och göra allt de kan för att fucka upp mitt liv! De lämnar mig aldrig ifred, trotts att jag bett om det vid flertalet tillfällen. Pussycleet.

I am a poet/wrighter, when I want to.

I can write so much better than other persons.

This is my normal state of being, not giving a fuck about anything! I drank one bottle of wine, during 3 hours! For the first time since last october. I'm not a junkie, or looser like them who drink every weekend.

I thank God and give him credit for everything he is responsible for.

InI have found the secret to a life in ecstasy, wthout taking any drug or eating any medicin!

Bloodclaat let me be happy, smelling my flowers in peace and you can take your fat and disgusting, stinking self and sit infront of the tv, watch me live my life. InI dont want you, I don't need no one, for I have God!

My third breakfast 😍

Daamn it's delicious to put salt on the avokado. Ravi thought me that... 💙💙💙

I am a very supreme human, that have got so much more experience than others.

But it feels like everybody a try to do anything they can to absolutely destroy my life.

Every time I go outside. Or have to deal with people.

Especially mom mom and my oldest sister really fuck my life up.

Because they assume that I am a little braindamages teenager, that don't have the right or knowledge to decide over my own life, in the best possible way!

Let me enjjoy my wonderful Peshwari naan now 

What the fuck is your problem with me?

I am a blessing and a bare sunshine.

Most people are empty clouds full of rain and problems. That is not me! Zeen.

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot.

Bitching, great hair.

The boys they love to stair.

I want it, I'm hot, 

I'm everything, you're not.

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful,

Cause I don't like you neither..

I'm a bad as artist, model n writer etc.

InI am anything I want to be.

Fuck you.