😃

Mi Im jus appy enuh 🙂. First n foremost caaah I have felt the baby moving now.

Well when mi a walk roun mi seh ajajaj, ojojoj. Like di pain mi a feel very prevalent... Especially now, because of the vaccine hurting my arm, and my upper back. Hahaha, even when I turn around in bed I just have to shout aaooowww. But I guess that is just because I am alone here... Normally these days I say aaj, every time I turn around.

It is quite interesting how I was completely silent, when I've been beaten. Well, first n foremost I guess that was because I didn't want to die. Because I had the feeling that it got worse, if I would sound. It's like I didn't want to give the evilness power. I figured that he enjoyed hurting me and that he eventually would stop if I did not react. Then I didn't want his nabour to like call the cops. But I remember one time, when he was violent and stopping me from leaving. I was in the hallway trying to get out. Then I heard somebody walking in the stairwells. So I sounded and the person rang the doorbell. Several times, untill my ex opened. Then I took the oportunity to sneak out.. It was a black man that "saved me" that time. We both took the buss towards town. I left when we got to the center and went and bought a hamburger/vegimeal..Then I went to my home.

I remember how I didn't think his behavour was ok at all, because then we didn't even live together. We visited eachother maby 2 weeks a month and he still choose to beat me. That's just very disrespectful, because it wasn't like I even did anything that could have made him mad. So I think I called the cops, just to talk to somebody. But I never followed through with that. Since it's pointless. 

I was forced to go to the trials some times because they have to proceed with them, even when I say that I don't want it. That's like so idiotic, because of course I will only say things to set him free at that time... The last trial when they asked me who gave me the bruises, I said It must have been the devil. So they let my ex go. All thoe me and Ravi was the only ones present at that moment :S. It's like the courts are pretending to be stupid. Oh, the lawbook say that they can not judge somebody if it's not proven that it was he that did it! Fucking fools, I had bloodstains on my wardrobe, took photos of the bruises right afterwards, at the police. And told them every little detail of exactly what had happend. Still, that is not enough, because it is what you say in the courtroom that count! How stupid your system works. Even a fool would realize that his emotions and memories are more truthful and correct, right after the event. Sometimes you have to wait a year for the trial, so how can you not realize that your emotions could have changed?! 

I mean to see your man in prison clothes when he have been arrested for some months. At leased I, felt sorry for him and felt like that time was enough. He also told me that he would kill me if I ever sent him to prison. He said that he would find me no matter where I went in this world and would beat me and through me down in a grave and bury me alive... He was not nice.

Hehehe "he" got mad at everything, for nothing at all... One evening I bought pizza for us and went to him, because I knew that he was more likely to use his welfare money on medicine, than food. I mean in most swedish cities, we give out food for free, to the homeless and drugusers. I mean if they don't even have to buy food, why would they even think twice about what to spend their money on? The welfare pay their rent, heat and electricity. So it's like they get paid to take drugs and waste their lives. (But of course they give hospitaĺs etc jobs) I remember thinking to myself that alot of people get salary for "helping" others, so they don't really care how the beneficiares live. I mean the police get paid to solve crimes. I have never ever gotten any type of help from them. All they do is making trouble and problems in other peoples lives..

Yea that time with the pizza, he had taken some opioid. So he put his forehead on it and slept. I told him to wake up and that it wasn't very polite to sleep, instead of eating with me. Then he stood up and walked to my side of the table and started beating me. That time I walked to his bedroom, (where the girl he had right before me died). And he came and beated me a whole lot, when I laid on his bed. He used his crutches and I thought that I would die that time... But I was quiet, nobody would walk from their apartment to come and help me anyway. I remember one woman who lived on the same floor and met me at the gate. She told me that I had to proceed with a trial and that they had heard me being beaten up. But I didn't want to. First he would not get sentenced. Then if he would, he would just kill me after the sentence... The prisons in Sweden is like a joke.  It's like a youth club. And you stay in there a very short time. So everyone that I know that have been to jail, go back commiting crimes. As soon as they come out.

In prison, they get served good meals every day, several times a day. They can work out or even occupy their time doing some work, cleaning or watching tv. It is way worse to be outside free, for some people. And it is crazy that they that have been sentenced get all these priviliges, but when they just arrest you, without any evidence. You have to lay on a thin madrass on the ground, in a freezing room, without even a clock, proper clothes and you don't even have a ******* toilet.

If you knock at the door, to ask for a blanquet, they take forever untill they come and then they just ignore your request.

   The police do exactly what they want.

I did not talk to my ex or said how I felt. I just tried to ignore these things. Because we did not have discussions very often at all. He wasn't even present 60% of the time. I just felt very sorry for him and washed his plates, took out his trash etc...

During my last pregnancy, I didn't experience pain every day. I don't even think that I ever screamed at the delivery. I just wanted to die, because the pain is not normal at all. It's too much. But some people have it easier. The baby can even lay wrong and stop the birth. Last time they took a thing, to suck the baby out. So my vagina broke alot :/...

This time imma try to prepare with some almond oil. Just picked it up outside of my door. Last time I ate dates, but I don't think that helped at all. The body don't really know what to do and could easily go into chock. I think that was what happened to me, I got worn out after feeling pain all day and night. So the following morning I felt like giving up...

I miss being in Ravis home and helping him. 

I miss our cats. But I don't want it back, I'm glad I left that.

I'm very tierd. Should try to sleep an hour before I eat. It is kind of frustrating, that I don't really wish to eat a meal. It's like vomit come up my throat, after I ate...

It's crazy and bad that pregnant woman go around and pretend as if everything is normal.... When I saw a pregnant woman in my youth,I just thought that the belly got bigger and that nothing else changed. Hahaha.

Nothing is normal. Everything feels different. I mean you are soo tierd, all the time. Sure you can force yourself out to go to the food store or midwife, but then you get exhausted and go home and sleep afterwards. Your organs have to pump around twice as much blood as it normally does. Plus grow a whole new person. So of course you are tierd. You can get out of breath, even when you're just laying down. Plus you feel sick most of the time.

I don't want to experience this again. Sure I don't feel depressed and puke like last time. But now I feel pain and like sleeping, all the while.

Oh God, I just got reminded of how good it would taste with a 🥖. Since the picture came up when I typed some word. Imagine eating it with butter, cheese and tomatoe! Pphhh (sweating) I would have to walk to the store... And I would have to get some other things too, but I can't bother to think about what I have to buy or carrying it home!

Bwooy, I'm breating heavily and even sweating at times. It wasn't like this at all last time. Then I used a deodorant I made myself with coconutoil and bicarbonate. I have one without aluminium right now also and I wash every day, but the sweat still flows down, one hour later. It's not like it smell anything, but my body is just full of liquids now :/..

Every pregnancy is way different and the pain you are feeling is different from person to person too.

I've been through so much pain, so I guess, my body can't take any more and is noticing every little feeling at the moment. I'm kinda calm this time about the delivery, but I have no idea how I will react, when that time comes...

I need 🥖 n cheese! Oh gosh feel like puking, n too exhausted to stand. But I'll gain some strenght if I close my eyes and breath for a time. But I really really need to pee 🤣.

This is hard. Really. Don't ever think that a pregnant woman have it easy! Oh writing Don't I saw a 🍩. Would be soo nice. And wippedcream in fil or yogurth! Not a lunch or dinner meal, that would taste disgusting. But breakfast food would taste soo nice. Because it's light...

Hope this snack will give me some energy. I mean every step I take my pelvis hurt. I changed panties, had to do it slow and shout. Wonder if my nabours hear me :P. Haha as I take a step I'm like aouu aou. But if you get your body moving longer distances, it no hurt as bad... U get used to it... This didn't taste good at all. I want sallad...

Oh gosh. I walked to the store but even people 40 years older than me, walk twice as fast. I felt as if I wanted to just lay down on the ground, crying several times.. As I walked inside to my staircase I fell from one wall to the next. This is not normal. My iron level was 109 last time and in this comunity they count with everything below 110 as low.

During my last pregnancy I had 119 around this time, only eating vegetarian but I ate iron supplement and drank Blutsaft also...

I did not feel this type of pain untill the very day I gave birth. Now it feels like it have already started. My belly is standing out more than normal and it's rock hard. My sceleton feels as if it's deviding. And I feel like vomiting. Also it feels as if I have fever now, I guess that's because of the covidvaccin..

Inside my trashcan in the bathroom, it was a bucket. That's now beside my bed. You know I could not even manage to cut the 🥖 open. So I ate an apple and drank fluid replacement. Felt like puking from the latter.

Now I'll sleep n hope I could wake up feeling better. I bought a tube of vegetarian peasoup, so I have something finished... Thank God..

I feel so sorry for myself, I just want to cry, but the tears don't come... It don't make any sense to cry when you are alone. 

Några säger att det här har gjort så de klarat sig med inga eller minimalt med bristningar... Så jag provar...