Today I walked to town 🙂

I was contemplating where to go, because I wanted to go outside. Thought about going to the forest, but I have been walking this area every day for weeks. I also felt hungry, So I decided to walk to town and eat something. As I reached the second busstop I thought about taking the buss because it would be faster. But then I looked over the field of grass and started walking. Because I love to move. I remember someone, some days ago, asking me how much time it would take to walk to the center. So I looked on the clock, it was 14,20. I reached there at 15,05... But I stopped at places taking pictures and talking to a youth. 

I have walked to the city many times, but I never took the time. I don't live my life using time very often. Sure I could look on the clock, when it's all dark outside and see that I probably should go to bed. But I'm not ruled by anything but the doctor telling me to meet him every second month 🤮. Oh he also tells me I have to go to a nurse and talk once a month 🤒. That is cool still because I like Erika, we can drink coffey and talk for a while. We usually talk for like 40 minutes. That's cool, because I have told her about the things the doctors do to me that is wrong. Erika herself can not change the doctors prescription, but she talk to them and explane the troubles they cause me. 

 So I got them to stop with the Risperdal shots I was forced to take very other week. But that took them 5 months! They continued even thoe I told them that I get my period 3 out of 4 weeks! I couldn't get out of bed untill 1 pm and I went to bed latest at 9pm! During the days I wasn't even able to stand up, I layed in the coutch and I could not even bother to cook, so I had these people coming to me once a week, forcing me to cook! I felt like dying all the time. It even got so bad that I lost my wallet with bankcard and phone, I didn't have food at home. So I went to the emergeny-psyciatric "care". Two times. There they checked my puls and everything and I told them that I've become this apatheic after they started to give me Risperdal. But that doctor wrote in her papers, that I have become disabled after my traffic accident 16 years ago! That means that the other doctors could read that and believe it. They do not care, what I say. Because the doctors believe whatother doctors have said! 

 I've been through that so many times. And it's not only them. Welfare people, police,courts. Yeah the entire state does the exact same thing. The people who have actually lived in reality are seen as crazy, while the ones with digrees and power decides and do what they want with you. I lived with my man, who are in heaven now, for seven years. He had been and was treated horribly by society all his life. I mean this is what I saw with my own eyes. 

For instance one time he was at the trainstation and the guards just started to beat him and push him on the groud. So people are racist to their own kind, but they don't see it as such. This society is ruled by classism. Even me that was around him would get targeted. I had to show my ID several times, just because I socialized with him! I have been convicted of narcotics, because I let him eat his medicins when he was around me! He got run over by a buss and got one totally deformed leg that blead almost every day. So ofcourse he needed pain medication! I mean the skin on his right leg was so thin, after the buss ran him over, he did not have any skin left. So instead of amputating the leg, the doctors thought of the "brilliant" idea to take a razorblade and cut of the skin on his tummy. Make holes in it, stretch it out and sew it to his boken legg! It's like the doctors take peoples life for a joke. They do what ever they please. 

Then they even started to give him Metadon! Because the female doctor told him that normal medicin wouldn't cover the pain he was feeling. He never done opioids, but he was in so much pain, so ofcourse he drank it. Because everybody wants to feel ok. I remember how he told me about how humiliated he felt when young nurses came home to him and changed his bandadges every day. He was laying on that coutch every day and night, couldn't move around. Then the doctor then started to send the Metadon to the pharmacy on the other side of the road, maby 60 meters from the apartmenthouse he lived in. They would give him medicin to last him for a week, but he just wanted to disapear so he drank more at once. The strenght on those shots where 200ml every day. That's alot, I mean you could take 5mg... 

 So one time he fell asleep, or died for 3 days.. After the hospital found out they forced him to come to the hospital and drink it every day. Even on the weekends we had to go to the emergency psyccare place. In a taxi, because he couldn't get on a buss. Sure he didn't feel the pain but he would fall asleep everywhere. In the taxi, in public areas and everytime he sat down. It's so sick that he was forced to take the shot 10 AM, so he'd sleep ten minutes here and there during the day. But when nighttime came he couldn't sleep, because the medicin had disappeared. So he was up all night, wating untill ten o'clock so he could take his new medicin. I mean he would fall asleep on his plate of dinner. Someone might think that that's funny, but it was really tragic to see what the hospital did to him... 😞 Ofcourse he got mad/crazy and did sick things when he got that much Metadon. 

When I met him he got 110mg everyday. Oh he also ate alot of lyrica and Xanor every day. He was totally not in this world.. How could anybody ask me why I stayed with him untill he died?! If you would see a person dying, would you just walk away?! What the fuck is wrong with people? 

 The hospital threw him out, just like that. We talked to them and told them that he couldn't sleep at nighttime and asked for help. But they told us that it was lethal to take any more medicin than he already did. So he had to take the matter in his own hand and got some Spice (syntetic Marijuana). One time he was sitting in my bedroom window smoking, he took two puffs, then he fell down on the grass outside.. Shit I ran out the to him and he was passed out. So I tried to wake him up and was calling the ambulance, but after some minutes he woke up... I have so many memories with that man, and I love him so. He is, or I guess I would have to say was, my favorit angel. Sure the drugs he was forced to take, led me to be living in Hell many times. But I would never change those years if I could. We where soulmates. We have been to heaven and hell together, I'm his forever. Ravi Jermer 💙💚❤. Rest in Peace.

På max köpte jag en jättegod grilloumi burgare, med sötpotatis pommes. De var inte alls salta. Det kostade 124kr, sweet potatoe fries kostade 15...

 Sen började jag samtala med en man från Egypten, men jag har inte tid att berätta om det nu... Jag använder olika språk för jag tänker på olika språk, skriver bara vad jag tänker. Men nu ska jag gå och prata Patwa med Matthew 😀. Mitt favorit språk...