I don't want to. I don't want to.

It's not that I'm cbildish.

But it is an ease of mind, to act as if you where a child.

With not one care in the world.

I know that I do just about anything to avvoide difficult situations.

Or any situation at all I guess.

I've come such a far way and survived everything that have happened.

And I am not depressed now, but as soon as I start to think about Ravi, my whole world falls apart.

In that constant moment, i don't want anything but him, because I miss him.

So I do everything I can to ignore it.

To be able to get ridd of that feeling, I fly away in my mind, to a place where I no longer have a child or family.

Or anything else for that matter.

I don't need to eat, I don't need to sleep.

Nare do anything but exist.

I use music as an escaperoot right now, mi zeet.

Or I should say this morning.

Now I'm not interested in hearing anything, but I can just think, hence writing this post.

Because in my mind, everybody else is my enemie.'

It's not that I will qarell and fight anyone, but I just move away....

Both fysically and mentaly.

In this place, I do not feel anything.

I mean I am 100& sober, but I have been fleeing the scene with nicotin. For one month now :P

I've been paying of hughe depts, other people gave me, for the last six months.

So I have been eating very cheap. Porrige almost every day.

This month I've had some more money to buy food for, but I don't know what to do with it?

I have been able to buy fruits and vegetables again, which I love.

But honestly, I don't want to eat anything that I would have to cook.

So the food in my fridge just sits there.

I have also been eating an egg a day and now I have all twelve of them.

But don't have any craving for any "food of substance".

I can eat a watermelon u zeet 🥰

Bless King Selassie

Shit I feel as if I'm the biggest problem child, who is alive.

But don't you think that events have consequenses?

My body is in a starving mood and it is very hard to break out of it.

I know that I should eat something, so I opened the fridge to cook something.

I saw the vego burgers I just have to fry.

i saw the eggs and the vegan very tasty strawberry yougurt.

(foods that are fast to cook)

But I just feel everything is obnoxius.

So I told myself, no you could wait and cook tomorrow instead.

But then my body will have less, or no fuel in it, so it wouldn't be easier.

I know. :S

Today I've ate three bananas and two Avocados.

So I cooked myself the porrige, of many different kind of grain, added berries, almond milk and cinnemon.

But I mean it's repulsing, all thoe I know it tastes perfeclty fine...

I see the nicotine, on my table and that "come een", very much more appealing :)

Hahaha lol. What a fucking idiot I am...

Just laughing about that fact because it's the truth.

I am quite used to telling myself, that that's how I am.

I have accepted the fact that I should choose the wrong option and neglecting which is right.

(Unconciously I do that)

My brain have started to think like an addict.

(My last seven years was with an addict, and since he is gone I'm starting to feel sorry for myself instead. Putting myself down)...

I´m very bored of everything and when it comes down to that matter, I don't have a reason to live.

So called friends and a so called family, could be found distances away. (I feel like in my brain)

It honestly feels horrible

That is actually the way everybody seems to work. For instance, when i was on the buss home, from the beach. I saw a caretaker, walking an elder that sat in a wheelchair. He was on his cell phone and the old man just stared infront of him. That is how this entire society works. Like everybody is minding their own businesses. Noone are interacting. Even when I meet my family, they just want to discuss, the same thing like everybody else does... It's like they are aliens. That's what it feels like to me, ( I don't think that I am superhuman or you are below me in any way) But it's just the feeling I get when I go around others here in this society... I like to discuss topics, on a deeper level, but all I here is every days events and common practises... To me it is so strange, how most just ignore the fact that we all are living in the same world and that we all should talk and help everybody. Not just your closest family.

Now, I had to pay my bills, becouse otherways they where going to evict me etc. But normally I do what I can to help anybody.

That has been a problem of mine since I started to get money. Because I now learned that most people just use you in any way they can. This world is full of bad people, that would take anything they can. Heck, the entire society teach us that. That we need to live to earn money, so you could buy things and experience. But a no so it go. A no so it set...

Everybody alive is existing. So who are you to make a difference?

I mean come on, why are you looking down on anybody? Why are you discussing insignificant things?

Earlier I thought that fact was of significanse to inverstigate further.

So I'm tierd.. I want the porrige now haha later later. I'm really tierd, but still I will eat my medication To keep me asleep, not depressed and not psycotic... But I have almost been able to stop it all. Just take half a pill. (For my familys sake) They have been very possitive to me eating medication, because when I do. I act just like everybody else and can not think in a proper way. But that is what they concider to have a normal functioning brain... KSMT

I prefere to be artistic and paint, write and do what ever I feel like. But a no so my story can go if I would like to be a part of the family... As if it was them that have the right to decide over anybodies life, other than their own!...

Moah n Sayonara (to my pretend friends thst's in my head). Some would a call it spiritual bond to the awaken souls and some would say a bogus. But I'm the only one in my head and I feel I have a spirit and some others do too... SO WHO ARE YOU??